Your Valentine’s Day Guide to Pleasing Any Woman in 25 Easy Steps

You want to please your special lady and make her feel loved? You want to keep her smiling and happy? Here’s how!

1. Laugh at her efforts to impress you.  Especially make her feel dumb when she fails. Always return the gifts she gives or throw them in a random drawer or closet so she can see how little she succeeded. All the little things she does to gain your attention, either don’t notice them or laugh at them so hard. Just make her feel dumb for trying.

2. Burp or fart around her. On her. In her face. In the car. Under the covers. Anytime you can.

3. Don’t laugh at her dumb jokes.

4. Don’t compliment her. And find things that she really cares about and wants compliments on, then compliment another woman about those things right in front of her.

5. Cause her to question if she is safe around you. This means drive drunk, wrecklessly, impaired, while texting, while emailing, while heavily sedated, when you’re so sleepy you can’t stay awake, all of these at once if possible. Be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, and/or sexually abusive. Start fights with the general public. Place her in risky situations. Break the the law and encourage her to be an accomplice. Step outside of your relationship. Make her walk and wait for you alone in dark or poorly lit areas. Tell her to meet you in a place she’s never been and to go alone very late at night. These are just a few ideas. Just be sure she knows you are a danger and threat to her life, her health, and her safety. 

6. Always cause her to doubt she can trust her inner most thoughts to you. Just tell her secrets, her business, things she shares in confidence with you. Give her information and her feelings out to other people. Gossip about her life and her family and her situations with others. Show her she is never safe to trust you with any information ever. 

7. Be late often, and without good reason.

8. Flirt with other women, whether she sees you or not. 

9. Have double standards. Forget treating her how you expect to be treated. Just expect that she treat you how you demand to be treated and never give her the same benefits. 

10. Embarrass her in public and around her friends and family and even where she works. 

11. Hold her accountable for things you haven’t yet discussed with her. Make her aim to recognize how you feel, what you expect, what you desire, and what you want from her without having ever been told directly from your own mouth. In other words, react poorly every time she fails to read your mind.

12. Let other people disrespect her. Whether she’s in the room or not, whether you agree with the person or not, don’t show up for her and never speak up or stand up for her. If people keep up the disrespect of her, keep hanging around and listen to it. Don’t walk away or put an end to the discussion. Make sure people feel comfortable disrespecting her in front of you. They don’t have to know you value her, so just let them do whatever they want. 

13. Lie to her. Period. Even those little white ones. If you can be dishonest about how you feel, what you did, or what you want to do, then do it. Learn the art of witholding and how it too can be a useful form of dishonesty. Also learn how to be exceptionally vague. Try to keep her guessing at what you really mean. Keep the lines of possible interpretation wide open. You want her to guess. And you want to be able to always change to fit a situation best. You need to be able to make her guess wrong so you can be sure she feels bad. Be as dishonest with her as you can. Always. Just really show her that you have no reason to be straight with her about anything. 

14. Ignore her texts. Let hours, days, weeks pass when you can. Sometimes, just don’t even acknowledge her message at all. Delete it. Never text to say things like “let me think of what I want to say” or “give me a sec” or “not sure how to respond here”. Ask her questions, and when she replies, don’t say anything back. Instead, shoot for dead silence. Be as rude, immature, and frustrating as you possibly can in text message communications. Ignore. Delete. Single word her. Just make her wish she never messaged you in the first place.
15. But. Do text her more often than you call her. Talking to her and hearing each other’s voices is an overrated pastime. 

16. Don’t make plans with her. If you must make plans with her, break those plans. If you must go through with your plans with her, invite tagalongs but don’t tell her you’ve asked others to join.  Just let her show up and see others with you or bring her and tell her just before you get out of the car that you’ve asked others along. Try to keep making the plans you have to make in as much of a last minute timeframe as you possibly can. Show her that her time doesn’t matter. Change parts of the plan at the last minute too. Be really vague or really specific, then switch and suddenly do none of what you acted upon originally. Have her amped over things you made into such a big deal, then she shows up to find none of that planning mattered.  Even better if you can underplay the big deal of planning an event so she shows up totally unprepared. When possible, have her find out about the plans you’ve made for her from one of the third party tagalongs you have invited. Let her find out from the grapevine what she’s going to be doing with her time with you.

17. Let her calls go to voicemail, especially  when she’s returning a call she missed from you. Make her wish she never miss another call from you again.

18. Make self-deprecating remarks. She likes you. She is interested in getting to know more of you. The self put downs will prevent her learning about you more and they’ll insult her for liking you in the first place. This is true whether you’re dating or married. The girl chose to be with you whether for tonight or for a lifetime. So make sure you show her how awful her choice was when she chose you. Doubt her true desire and attraction and interest in you. Make her have to convince you that she has good reasons. Fish as many compliments as possible while completely shredding apart her confidence in thinking you’re so great. 

19. Point out her flaws as often as possible. Call her out if she puts on some pounds. Bring up that pimple on her forehead. Tell her she looks bad in the color she’s wearing. Criticize her choice of haircut and color. Bring up her newest wrinkle. Point out her cellulite at the pool. Let her know her gray is showing. Just pick her apart.

20. Always put her ideas & opinions on the bench. Never let her mind get involved.  Show her that you don’t care to know her thoughts on a subject. If she ever shares her thoughts, shut her down. A woman who likes you and admires you should never think that you value her opinions. Actually using her advice and giving her feedback on how things turn out is a terrible idea too. When you don’t agree or when you try what she suggests and it blows up, talk to her about what happened and make sure she knows how everything is her fault for ever guiding you with her ideas. Choose others’ ideas over hers and try to do this openly and actively so she and everyone around can appreciate that you value her input so little.

21. Make fun of her in front of other women. Not like cute, adoring, flirty teasing. Really ridicule her and get other women laughing at her expense.

22. Be sure she knows you only care about her looks. Her body. Nothing more.

23. Don’t ever let her suspect you actually want a relationship with her.

24. Notice her favorite things just so you can deny them to her.  If you can’t notice her because you don’t get to see her much or you’re daily schedules bring you both home exhausted, just flat out ask her what her favorite things are from time to time. Get specific. She might not even know herself. Try to let her open up more to you over time by showing her over time that you’re still interested in finding out. But! Only so you can choose not to deliver. Really specific questions like what’s you’re favorite two candies if you’re at the store?—never get those candies just go for generic or tell her they were out. If you’re really thirsty, and there’s only a gas station open, what would you get to drink in there?—never get those drinks, just get what you like instead and make her drink that. What are your favorite colors?—never buy things in those colors. Name your all time favorite bands or musicians.—buy tickets to contrasting genres & bring her along for her birthday. Do you like breakfast better or lunch?—only make her the opposite. If you couldn’t bring more than three pairs of shoes with you to another planet, what kind would they be?—gift her all other types for every Christmas. Just get creative. Ask her things that lead her to make choices for herself. Then learn from the choices she makes on her own. What restaurant would she pick if it was just her to decide?—never go there. What is her idea of romance?—be completely off the grid from that. What makes her feel pretty?—avoid it. What chores or tasks does she hate most?–leave them for her to do. Where can you step in and show up and do or bring the things that show her you notice her?—be sure you run away in the opposite direction. She likes your beard?—shave it. She hates beards?—grow a wooly one. She compliments your shirt?—burn it.  You get the point. Find out her favs & her dislikes. This throws her off. Then remember your goal: find out only so you can do none of what she wants and instead fulfill all of what she hates. 

25. Be inconsistent. Make her think she’s crazy. Deny all reality. Avoid her recognition of you if she’s figured you out at all. When she gets fed up, reacts, or goes bonkers, cal her insane and question her emotional stability. Be sure she doubts herself and her own feelings.

Okay. Okay. So this was a fun satire. But you enjoyed it way more than a how-to list, I’m sure! Flip these around and you’ll really be on to something. 😉 

Happy Valentine’s Day!!! 

💜💗💜💗💜💗💜💗💜💗
 

The Five if I wrote screenplays…

1. Yes, three times. Three times I begged you to stay. You stood there and you listened but you did not hear. You left me. You left us. You walked away from yourself, I’d say. And I knew it was true when I saw you in the restaurant that night. Your face was a different face. Your smile a different smile. And all I could see were traces of who I remembered you were. In your hands. In your eyes. But not really there or looking back at me.

2. She poured cold water into a small plastic tumbler. The house was quiet and the windows were open. In the silence swallowing cold water, washing dishes by hand, she dreaming of where she might go if only he would come find her. 

3. “You are my heart,” he told her. He placed the pen down and took her hand.  Looking down at her small fingers wrapt completely inside his palm, “Yes, I suppose I am,” she said, “especially if you mean in the way that I only beat for you.” After lifting her eyes to his, his thumb gently to her chin, he followed her breathing, “Yes, that too,” he smiled, “and I hope you will never stop.”

4. He was going to run away. He’d thought it over, considered the entire thing. There was no option for him here. His horse though. He couldn’t think of her now. Each time he’d tried to leave, he’d caught himself on the image of her waiting their in the stables. She’d need to be fed. She’d need to be walked. And as much as he could barely stomach one more day there, he just couldn’t manage to leave when she was on his mind. No one would care if she died starving in the stable with snow matted in her hair or mold growing around her. If he left, he would be leaving her to die. So he just couldn’t think of her. He wouldn’t. He packed his bags and bit his tongue and tuned out everything inside. If he was going to live, it wouldn’t be possible here. The horse that had kept him alive all these years would never see him again. The memory of her face in the stables would become a shuddering thought to him all of his life.

5. “No, no, no. I refuse. I won’t hear it anymore. The man is a stubborn, angry, callous fool. He’s brilliant and charming and utterly hopeless. I won’t sit and listen while she defends him when she has never been recipient of his deciet.” Ruthie understood why her mother loved such a man; she just wasn’t going to love him again herself.  

The Five if I were Nicholas Sparks

1. Teddy. Theodore really. The man was a wolf. He consumed what fought him and he could only afford the sparkle in his eye for someone he hadn’t yet cornered to himself. He was a weak man who found power and strength by holding passion for women above them and over their head. He wanted to see a woman desire him; he was fascinated by his own effect. He wanted to watch that desire flame up, to see a lady want. He wanted to hold women there and watch them. He needed it, and once a woman was fully sold on him, he wanted to deny her. Conversations and dinners, introductions and early morning music, everything he did to stir a woman. He wanted to find one every where he went. And he did. And he did. And he did.

2. Katie. Kathleen really. When she met him, she was smarter. Months of stirring, now his attitudes made her feel immature. He took the beauty of the woman she was and seduced it to the cheap thrill of a little girl. And now he made her despise the very youth and energy in herself that he first had seemed so much to love about her. Wanting to love a man so inaccessible had suddenly and swiftly become the emptiness of herself. She feared becoming a woman who would always only come up short in his eyes and then in her own. And she was angry. She loathed his condescension as much as she was bitter with herself for ever falling into the notion that he might actually be fascinated with her. She came to see his mean spirit and his attractiveness dulled as he became more and more the unsatisfied authoritarian. She reasoned with her heart; she had to give him up. As soon as she wanted him, it was over.

3. She hurt. She hurt not having him. He had this helpless way of seeing her as a stubborn, unimpressive child now that she had allowed him to get close to her. And the more he knew about her heart and all that made it beat, the more he chose words to subtract her in her wake. He had begun treating her with a discontent that she deeply felt she did not deserve. And with his lost charm, she slowly began the process of unwanting him. His consistency proved he wasn’t at all the man he first impressed her of himself to be.

4. So she stopped. She stopped all she could stop and that which she held onto from habit, she ignored. She wouldn’t try for him anymore. And more importantly, she wouldn’t care what he thought of her. She would reestablish herself. She would take back her own spark for life. She wouldn’t react to him. She wouldn’t fall victim to his tricks. For far too long she had hoped for him to be more than he was. But she now saw he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He would never be more or want her. She was worth wanting but he was not able to love. He could only hunt. And she had learned from him the difference. So she began to fight back herself. And there, when she stopped fighting him, she watched as his hope for her was satisfied. Cold and finished, the spark left him and he walked away. And the more she watched him do this, the less she wanted him at all. He was sick. He was mean and sick and didn’t even know it. She mourned for she loved him truly as he was for who he was, and he had turned out to be someone else, someone who couldn’t even feel true love when it held itself before him. Even if he didn’t love her, his way of beating at her heart not seeing or honoring the way it felt for him proved to her that he wasn’t a gentleman at all. The way he talked, she was positive that all he saw of her now was a disappointment to him. But she didn’t care. He wanted her to feel she was nothing but what she could not do, but who she wouldn’t ever be. He wanted to silence her each day with that voice but she grew deaf to his awfulness and she began to heal. The man who had been so absolutely everything slowly became nothing to her. She fell naturally away as she forgot who he had been once. He wasn’t good or if he ever was, all had left when his character was replaced by the animal in him now.

5. It was mid-July before she could smile the old smile she had before him. The air was obviously hot and she did feel alone. But she could move forward. She could grow from knowing that no matter who he was or what she had wanted of him, of a future and life with him, she would never become accustomed to loving a man who would only ever reduce her. She wanted to be determined now; she wanted to keep her joy and she held to the commitment that she would never take back her light again. She respected that he had nearly broken her. And she knew herself well enough to say assuredly that she was never going to want him again. She would never let him chase her down and she would never find anything worthy of making her feel so worthless. She had nearly lost it all to the dark by wanting the wolf of a man to take her and keep her for himself. This incredible darkness had helped her see that without light no form of love would ever be worth having. If she would love again she would be loved in return or she would much sooner walk away.