Your Valentine’s Day Guide to Pleasing Any Woman in 25 Easy Steps

You want to please your special lady and make her feel loved? You want to keep her smiling and happy? Here’s how!

1. Laugh at her efforts to impress you.  Especially make her feel dumb when she fails. Always return the gifts she gives or throw them in a random drawer or closet so she can see how little she succeeded. All the little things she does to gain your attention, either don’t notice them or laugh at them so hard. Just make her feel dumb for trying.

2. Burp or fart around her. On her. In her face. In the car. Under the covers. Anytime you can.

3. Don’t laugh at her dumb jokes.

4. Don’t compliment her. And find things that she really cares about and wants compliments on, then compliment another woman about those things right in front of her.

5. Cause her to question if she is safe around you. This means drive drunk, wrecklessly, impaired, while texting, while emailing, while heavily sedated, when you’re so sleepy you can’t stay awake, all of these at once if possible. Be verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, and/or sexually abusive. Start fights with the general public. Place her in risky situations. Break the the law and encourage her to be an accomplice. Step outside of your relationship. Make her walk and wait for you alone in dark or poorly lit areas. Tell her to meet you in a place she’s never been and to go alone very late at night. These are just a few ideas. Just be sure she knows you are a danger and threat to her life, her health, and her safety. 

6. Always cause her to doubt she can trust her inner most thoughts to you. Just tell her secrets, her business, things she shares in confidence with you. Give her information and her feelings out to other people. Gossip about her life and her family and her situations with others. Show her she is never safe to trust you with any information ever. 

7. Be late often, and without good reason.

8. Flirt with other women, whether she sees you or not. 

9. Have double standards. Forget treating her how you expect to be treated. Just expect that she treat you how you demand to be treated and never give her the same benefits. 

10. Embarrass her in public and around her friends and family and even where she works. 

11. Hold her accountable for things you haven’t yet discussed with her. Make her aim to recognize how you feel, what you expect, what you desire, and what you want from her without having ever been told directly from your own mouth. In other words, react poorly every time she fails to read your mind.

12. Let other people disrespect her. Whether she’s in the room or not, whether you agree with the person or not, don’t show up for her and never speak up or stand up for her. If people keep up the disrespect of her, keep hanging around and listen to it. Don’t walk away or put an end to the discussion. Make sure people feel comfortable disrespecting her in front of you. They don’t have to know you value her, so just let them do whatever they want. 

13. Lie to her. Period. Even those little white ones. If you can be dishonest about how you feel, what you did, or what you want to do, then do it. Learn the art of witholding and how it too can be a useful form of dishonesty. Also learn how to be exceptionally vague. Try to keep her guessing at what you really mean. Keep the lines of possible interpretation wide open. You want her to guess. And you want to be able to always change to fit a situation best. You need to be able to make her guess wrong so you can be sure she feels bad. Be as dishonest with her as you can. Always. Just really show her that you have no reason to be straight with her about anything. 

14. Ignore her texts. Let hours, days, weeks pass when you can. Sometimes, just don’t even acknowledge her message at all. Delete it. Never text to say things like “let me think of what I want to say” or “give me a sec” or “not sure how to respond here”. Ask her questions, and when she replies, don’t say anything back. Instead, shoot for dead silence. Be as rude, immature, and frustrating as you possibly can in text message communications. Ignore. Delete. Single word her. Just make her wish she never messaged you in the first place.
15. But. Do text her more often than you call her. Talking to her and hearing each other’s voices is an overrated pastime. 

16. Don’t make plans with her. If you must make plans with her, break those plans. If you must go through with your plans with her, invite tagalongs but don’t tell her you’ve asked others to join.  Just let her show up and see others with you or bring her and tell her just before you get out of the car that you’ve asked others along. Try to keep making the plans you have to make in as much of a last minute timeframe as you possibly can. Show her that her time doesn’t matter. Change parts of the plan at the last minute too. Be really vague or really specific, then switch and suddenly do none of what you acted upon originally. Have her amped over things you made into such a big deal, then she shows up to find none of that planning mattered.  Even better if you can underplay the big deal of planning an event so she shows up totally unprepared. When possible, have her find out about the plans you’ve made for her from one of the third party tagalongs you have invited. Let her find out from the grapevine what she’s going to be doing with her time with you.

17. Let her calls go to voicemail, especially  when she’s returning a call she missed from you. Make her wish she never miss another call from you again.

18. Make self-deprecating remarks. She likes you. She is interested in getting to know more of you. The self put downs will prevent her learning about you more and they’ll insult her for liking you in the first place. This is true whether you’re dating or married. The girl chose to be with you whether for tonight or for a lifetime. So make sure you show her how awful her choice was when she chose you. Doubt her true desire and attraction and interest in you. Make her have to convince you that she has good reasons. Fish as many compliments as possible while completely shredding apart her confidence in thinking you’re so great. 

19. Point out her flaws as often as possible. Call her out if she puts on some pounds. Bring up that pimple on her forehead. Tell her she looks bad in the color she’s wearing. Criticize her choice of haircut and color. Bring up her newest wrinkle. Point out her cellulite at the pool. Let her know her gray is showing. Just pick her apart.

20. Always put her ideas & opinions on the bench. Never let her mind get involved.  Show her that you don’t care to know her thoughts on a subject. If she ever shares her thoughts, shut her down. A woman who likes you and admires you should never think that you value her opinions. Actually using her advice and giving her feedback on how things turn out is a terrible idea too. When you don’t agree or when you try what she suggests and it blows up, talk to her about what happened and make sure she knows how everything is her fault for ever guiding you with her ideas. Choose others’ ideas over hers and try to do this openly and actively so she and everyone around can appreciate that you value her input so little.

21. Make fun of her in front of other women. Not like cute, adoring, flirty teasing. Really ridicule her and get other women laughing at her expense.

22. Be sure she knows you only care about her looks. Her body. Nothing more.

23. Don’t ever let her suspect you actually want a relationship with her.

24. Notice her favorite things just so you can deny them to her.  If you can’t notice her because you don’t get to see her much or you’re daily schedules bring you both home exhausted, just flat out ask her what her favorite things are from time to time. Get specific. She might not even know herself. Try to let her open up more to you over time by showing her over time that you’re still interested in finding out. But! Only so you can choose not to deliver. Really specific questions like what’s you’re favorite two candies if you’re at the store?—never get those candies just go for generic or tell her they were out. If you’re really thirsty, and there’s only a gas station open, what would you get to drink in there?—never get those drinks, just get what you like instead and make her drink that. What are your favorite colors?—never buy things in those colors. Name your all time favorite bands or musicians.—buy tickets to contrasting genres & bring her along for her birthday. Do you like breakfast better or lunch?—only make her the opposite. If you couldn’t bring more than three pairs of shoes with you to another planet, what kind would they be?—gift her all other types for every Christmas. Just get creative. Ask her things that lead her to make choices for herself. Then learn from the choices she makes on her own. What restaurant would she pick if it was just her to decide?—never go there. What is her idea of romance?—be completely off the grid from that. What makes her feel pretty?—avoid it. What chores or tasks does she hate most?–leave them for her to do. Where can you step in and show up and do or bring the things that show her you notice her?—be sure you run away in the opposite direction. She likes your beard?—shave it. She hates beards?—grow a wooly one. She compliments your shirt?—burn it.  You get the point. Find out her favs & her dislikes. This throws her off. Then remember your goal: find out only so you can do none of what she wants and instead fulfill all of what she hates. 

25. Be inconsistent. Make her think she’s crazy. Deny all reality. Avoid her recognition of you if she’s figured you out at all. When she gets fed up, reacts, or goes bonkers, cal her insane and question her emotional stability. Be sure she doubts herself and her own feelings.

Okay. Okay. So this was a fun satire. But you enjoyed it way more than a how-to list, I’m sure! Flip these around and you’ll really be on to something. 😉 

Happy Valentine’s Day!!! 

💜💗💜💗💜💗💜💗💜💗
 

The Five to Improve Your Game in any Team Setting

1. Don’t underestimate your own position. Know how you interact with all other teammates but don’t lose sight of your purpose. Do your part with all you’ve got. Don’t compare yourself to others with different positions on the field. Know your role, fulfill your position, and be yourself. 

2. Avoid plays that compromise the strength of a teammate’s position. Set your teammates up for success by seeing to it that your own shot-calling will not weaken your teammate’s ability to respond. Don’t weaken the team strategy by over-compensating or under-performance.

3. Be aware of your weaknesses. Face them honestly and trust your teammates to look out for your best interests. When under pressure to perform, look out for one another’s weaknesses—blind spots arise when time & necessity test our abilities.  Keep one another covered, look out for one another, block any thwart. Don’t let your own ego keep a teammate from protecting you from your own weaknesses. Awareness of weakness can become one of your best strengths.

4. Don’t lose sight of the goal. Short term & long term goals need to be clearly identified and regularly reviewed with all teammates present. When goals and actions don’t align, be proactive rather than reactive. Happen to things, not the other way around. The number one goal is team unity—any other goal or action toward success becomes ineffective when team unity is lost to the process.  Division wins success for individuals; that’s a bittersweet replacement for the sweet success won by the team, for the team. Questions, challenges, and reassessment of game plans don’t challenge team unity, so encourage these when necessary—just be sure to regularly check the attitudes along the way. Change is neither the enemy nor the maker of unity, so don’t run from it or flock toward it. Unity is not based on the what but on the how. How you plan and reach goals is the key focus if you want what you achieve to be a product of a unified team.

5. Keep your sense of humor. Appreciate opportunities for laughter. Loosen up when you can. Ridicule and shame are not useful and healthy humor doesn’t produce these feelings.  Healthy humor won’t come at the expense of self-confidence. Learning to take a joke and knowing how to tell one are key abilities for teammates to acquire. The team who cannot laugh together risks the likelihood of staying together. Joy relieves pressure. Smiling is contagious. Humor in the moment helps people commit to the long-haul. Don’t let the inability and unwillingness to take a joke turn you into a joke. Laugh and enjoy life. The spirit of any team in any situation of life depends on a good sense of humor. 

The Five to my Daughter & all other good girls…

1. You are beautiful because you are one of a kind. Your excellence is not in your physical appearance, nor in your ability to behave, nor in the way you dress or how you speak or the intelligence of your mind. Your excellence is in the truth that no other girl on earth exists who is just like you. All of you is an authentic, one of a kind, never to be replicated edition of a heart, mind, body, spirit, and soul. God made you exactly as you are, and he has never made another you nor will you ever be made by Him again. You are undeniably valuable for you, as each of us are, will forever be irreplaceable. No one can be you but you. That is the beauty of you. If you will make decisions in life to the best of your ability in remembering that you are uniquely and completely, irreplaceably and valuably made, and if you will seek to help others see their value as being uniquely made as well, then your beauty will shine from within and out of who you are. To know your value, to help others see their own, and to remember that no matter who you become, how you look, or what you do, that you are uniquely valuable in a way that cannot be undone, is my hope for you. You are one of a kind. Always and forever.

2. Home is a place in your heart that you share in a space with others between yourselves. You may have many physical homes. You may have many people you feel at home with. Some homes, you’ll hold alone and in yourself and you may search for those places but never find them here. Your heart’s home is Jesus and as you follow Him with all your heart, He will show you the way home. In the meantime, He gave you a family. And you will always have a home in me. No matter where you go, where you live, what you do, or how you feel, your heart and mine will always connect to make a home together.

3. If you’re ever doing something that does not make you proud of yourself, please take time to reconsider what it is you are doing. Pleasing others, serving others, and respecting others are great things to do—but when doing these things causes you to lose self-respect or to feel shame or to think poorly of yourself, then there is a problem. Nothing you are called to do will compromise your worth or value. As an addition to this idea, remember that others should not lose sight of their value in their efforts to please and serve you.

4. Be careful with the books you read, movies you watch, and entertainment you choose. The drama and reality of what we see affects the emotions and attitudes in how we feel. Life can be much more difficult to enjoy when fantasy attempts to convince us of how life could be ‘if ________’. Not all of us are affected by the same works of art in the same ways, but you’ll come to know what affects you and what does not. Follow your own heart there. When you notice that certain art forms cause you to want to fill in the if + blanks in your life, be careful. Dwelling on the if + blanks = a dangerous place for your mind. Everything we view becomes part of a reel that runs through us. Make sure the reel running through you uplifts you or constructively intrigues and teaches you. Never let art steal your joy.

5. Dating & men. Or talking. Or going steady. Or exclusive. Or whatever they call it by the time you’re old enough. —By the way, when is old enough? I don’t know. It will depend. You’re 6 now and I’ll know better when I see it. It’s going to be based on you and how much you seem capable of handling your own heart responsibly—your heart is our responsibility to guard and protect. As soon as we let you date, we trust you to make choices that will continue to guard and protect your heart. Of course, my prayer is the boys you date and the man you marry will be those who will guard and protect your heart as well. But initially the best defense for your heart after we let you on your own with boys is going to be you. That responsibility is not fair to give you if you are not ready to handle it. So we shall see. —back to the point—have the earliest courage to end any relationship with a man who you ultimately know you would never marry. Have fun dating, know that each young man you date will not become your husband and your dating should not be burdened by the “will we marry?-focus”—do not date and hope for or wonder if marriage is next. This is too heavy. If marriage is to come, it will come. So don’t dwell on fantasies or wonder over each dating relationship becoming marriage. If you dwell toward marriage while dating and getting to know one another, you’ll be likely to become too attached too soon and then you’ll be devastated if the relationship ends. However, if a man has specific things about him or does things that really bother you enough that you know you would never marry him—have the courage not to start dating. Have the courage to politely tell him no. Some of these men, if you tell them honestly why you wouldn’t date them, will walk away from you completely—good. That is heartache walking away. Others of them will hear a challenge to shape shift and become what you would be willing to marry—careful. Let them shift on their own. Tell them you are saying no for now, and have courage to hold strong despite any advances. Wait and watch. How long? Depends. But longer than a few months. If you then see change, date a few times if you like. The true change will prove itself and the shapeshifters will reveal themselves as well. It’s ok to change your mind. Just remain in control of your own self. If at any time you are dating a man who originally gave you no reason not to, or who showed you changes that made you want to, but being with him leads you to find un-before-seen reasons that you would never, could never marry him—have courage to end it and cut ties. It will be hard. Hard will not be enough of an adjective to capture how it will be. But you will have family and friends on your side. Many men you date will make great husbands, but only one of them will be meant to be yours…and you’ll make a great wife, but you’re not chosen to be the wife of every man you date. Be open to it, don’t dwell on it, date those who give you no reason not to until they do, and courageously say no to all who give you reason. We women can break a man’s heart if we date him well-knowing that there are uncompromisable reasons that we could never want him for our husband, could never want to be committed to him as his wife. Your own heart will break if you choose to have dating fun with a man it will eventually say goodbye to…so if you know head on that you wouldn’t say forever to him, move on. And if you come to realize you wouldn’t say forever to him, end it while you still can so you can overcome the hurt of it ending before the depth of it moves further into each of your lives. Have fun. Just be responsible with your heart and do your very best not to hurt a man by leading him to hope that is not really there.

P.S. I love you.